Friday, May 8, 2015

Living Life As a Hypochodriac

When I was a kid, I was terrified of dying. I don't know how this came about but I would be stricken with fear every hour of every day that I would somehow die. This developed into hypochondria. A lot of people don't even know what hypochondria is. Defined by siri the definition of a hypochondriac is: "A person afflicted with hypochondria, causing them to have excessive concern about real or imagined symptoms of illness." Which is basically what it is. As a child with parents and adults telling me that I was just making it all up and that I'm fine and that I should get some rest is the worst of being a hypochondriac. Everyone always thinks you're crazy and never wants to deal with you so they shoo you off so you can worry alone. That's the toughest thing; being alone with no clue that you're mentally ill and no one to care enough to notice it. It's honestly damaging. It was so severe that I used to stay up all night for 2-3 days because I was SO afraid of dying in my sleep. I went to the nurses constantly. Usually everyday or every other day. I'm still scared to go to sleep and I still freak out but I usually suppress it which is really unhealthy.
I remember one time, I didn't brush my hair and I was in the shower and a bunch of hairs fell out while I was washing my hair, I immediately believed I had cancer. I worried so much for weeks begging my dad to take me to the doctor with the answer no, you're fine each time until finally he was annoyed with me so he took me. When I got there, I told her what I thought I had and she just laughed at me and told me I was wrong right off the bat. Why didn't anyone tell me I was mentally ill? I had to deal with it all by myself and I still do. I don't understand.. My parents were suppose to take care of me and they didn't.. That's not okay.
The toughest thing about being a hypochondriac is not knowing when you're actually sick. With this disorder, when you think you're sick and you stress over it, your brain imagines symptoms of what you think you have and that's why it's so hard to "get over it" or be fine about the fact you believe you're dying and no one will take you serious enough to check you out.
For a while my language skills have been decreasing. I convinced myself that I was fine and to suppress and ignore it. Then, I finally decided to do some research on it and I found that I could have expressive aphasia and this time I think I actually might not be as insane as people make me out to be. Expressive aphasia is defined as: "A person knows what he or she wants to say, yet has difficulty communicating it to others. It doesn't matter whether the person is trying to say or write what he or she is trying to communicate." That makes a lot of sense to me, but I'm mentally ill so I should just be fine and not bother anyone about it, right? Well too bad because I can't go through another day picturing the moment the doctor comes back after an MRI just to inform me I have a inoperable brain tumor and that I only have a couple of months to live. After that I'll usually picture my reaction to it, how my dad and friends will react, then I'll imagine everyone at my school noticing me, talking to me, including me in all their plans or it'll be I'll just calmly die by going outdoors everyday and being able to eat all the food I want. There are many scenarios I make up in my head of me finding out I'm dying. As a result of this, my grades decrease, I listen less in class and solely focus on the fact that I could die. That is no way to live, it's almost like I am already dead. My whole life sucks but I'm so numb inside that I can't even feel any of it. Am I alone? or am I just some crazy chick with mental problems complaining about it behind a screen?

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